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[personal profile] soltian
I miss it here so, so much. I miss the cuts and the communities and the ability to have back and forth threads with people all in one place - imagine such a thing, it can be real! It IS real, it's right here on LJ! And yet it's been seven months since I last posted anything of worth. So, I'm just gonna go ahead and re-claim this journal for myself - make posts about life as it happens just because it's good for me. Today I went to an alpaca farm with Kat and watched an alpaca birth from start to finish. It is NOT a terribly involved process, despite my pre-conceptions of animal birth in general - she kind of strutted around a field uncomfortably with a nose sticking out of her alpaca vag for a while and then eventually it got its feet out and tumbled into a blanket her handler held out for her. Alpacas are all such soft-eyed, sort of dumb creatures that it's difficult, too, to tell the intelligence level of a newborn baby apart from its adult mom - but that's all right. They were all really really cute, I got to feed and pet them and it was an utter delight.

Above, an alpaca full of beauty, charm, and grace.

Then I came home and thought to myself, self - you have about fourty-eight hours left to get ready for Anime Expo - oh, right, yeah, that's happening - here's a photo of myself pretending to be ready for Anime Expo:

Beautiful. It would just not come out of me. I entered a depressive state for a few hours where I berated myself for being a passionless sack of nuts, played Phantom Hourglass, and thought about how much I missed LJ.

I've been feeling that way a lot lately - disconnected from fandom, kind of...floating, I guess, not sure what I really care about, which is at its core pretty idiotic, but depression is not exactly logical. Just powering through it is not really helping, nor is attempting to hitch my wagon to many of the new and shiny things around (HTTYD2, for example, got me REALLY excited and then tore me down to tears when, after seeing it, I realized that this too I was having huge trouble sinking my teeth into). I don't know. I just have not felt truly absorbed, carried away, and washed over by anything lately, which may or may not have been a huge privilege of mine to have in the first place, but it's starting to truly, upsettingly, depress me.

The good news is that this lack of passion has not afflicted my own characters and worlds. The bad news is that until several years from now when I have something substantial visually built up there, I'll still feel isolated and...well, irrelevant, I guess. Not really part of the community, not really part of any fandom in particular - a little like I have no place in the virtual society that I used to so easily escape to from my real-world problems.

As far as real-world problems go, those are at an all-time low, and yet I'm still really anxious. I worry constantly about my debt even though it's completely under control. I just can't stand the fact that it exists. I work 40 hours a week at a truly great job, but I'm socially overwhelmed and exhausted most of the time...and of course working full time slows down my desired art production, though I have not exactly been useless there. I don't really KNOW what my One True Goal is. I think it's probably full-time freelance, but everything comes with its scary pitfalls. There wouldn't be any harm in retaining my current job or a promotional variant of it for an extended period of time - the vacation time is generous enough that I could see friends, go to cons, and head just cycles all of this constantly. Where am I going, what do I want, and so on, and so on.

I want to have a river of fandom surrounding me and feel deep, undeniable love for it. And I want [ profile] hummingbirdmoth back.


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